The End is The Beginning is The End

One of the hardest things to see is changes in yourself.  So that’s why it took a comment from my girlfriend to know my writing was getting better.  She happened to come to the computer and find a post of mine and asked me, “did you write this?”  After years of reading over my resumes, cover letters, and various other writings, she was shocked to find my wordiness had begun to disappear.  Now all she’s hoping for is if I can somehow translate that brevity into my speech. 

It all started to click for me as I began reading William Zinsser.  I had no expectation that reading a book titled “On Writing Well” would in any way be interesting or helpful.  And yet as I began reading, it suddenly clicked.  Everything he was saying just seemed obvious, even if I hadn’t been following any of his rules before.  And week after week, I started to focus more on getting it done right, instead of just getting it done. 

It wasn’t easy and I definitely shouted many an expletive and slammed my hand on many a desk.  But after the anger subsided and the words flowed, the reward of a solid completed product was incredibly satisfying. 

So everyday I’ll continue to stare at the “verbosity is the enemy” sign I’ve hung over my computer – see I’m still struggling with that.  It would have much simpler to just have the word verbose with an X through it  - and keep trying to get better.  And maybe if I work at it long enough, eventually it might seep into my speech as well.

- Otto 

Elevator Pitch #2: Some Like it Hot Redux

Golf is a rest home sport.  And while rest home residents have plenty of money, they can’t get out to spend it.  That’s why golf needs to find a different wealthy group to reinvigorate the sport; hot people.  To that end I’ve created a two-step plan to put hot people’s cash into the coffers of the golf industry.

So how do you attract hotties to golf?  To get that answer I turned to my super-hot girlfriend who told me, “golf is boring.  It’s just quiet announcers, quiet music, and quiet clapping.  Other sports are more lively and exciting.  Why can’t golf be that way?”  All great points.  We need more rowdy fans like at the 16th hole in Phoenix – fans who drove Tiger to show some uncharacteristic emotion and also drove Justin Leonard to flick them off – so let's get more beer into the galleries.  We need an end to the golf whisperer, Jim Nance, so let's bring in Gus Johnson to scream and yell every time any golfer does something even mildly interesting.

And while we’re at it, let’s pick up the pace.  No more standing over a ball for 5 minutes while you and your caddy discuss which way the wind is blowing.  The wind is blowing the hotties away from your sport.  So grab your club, step up to the ball, hit it, and move on. 

The second step is to add some sex appeal.  My super-hot girlfriend said to me, “is Tiger really the best looking golfer?  Is there no David Beckham of golf?”  Who would know if there is?  All the players are dressed like they’re trying to sell me insurance.  What are they hiding underneath all of those loose fitting khakis?  It’s time to drop the pants, and pull up some shorts so we can see those sexy calf muscles.  And any golfer who isn’t shapely in the calf area will have to start doing some leg work; otherwise prepare to be heckled by the newly freed, drunk golf fans.  Soccer players wear shorts and they have some nice looking legs – remember David Beckham?  So with the golfers legs breathing free, prepare to start seeing some calves that would make even grandma swoon.

If the PGA Tour follows this plan, it will not only infuse some sexy cash into golf, it might even wake up a couple of those coma patients over at the rest home.

- Otto 

To Whom It May Concern

Here is a copy of the letter that I have sent out to the PGA Tour.  Please feel free to copy the letter so that you may also send it to the PGA Tour.  The more letters the better.  Thanks for all the hard work you're putting in for the pro golfers.  They may ignore my tweets regarding the shorts4all campaign.  But deep down I know they appreciate the effort.

- Otto
 

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To Whom It May Concern:

As the days get warmer, there will be a greater need for players on the PGA Tour to stay cool.  While there are plenty of ways to help recuperate from the heat, not enough is being done to prevent overheating in the first place.  And that’s why I’m asking you to consider allowing players on the PGA Tour to wear shorts during tournament play.

Overheating is a very serious issue in the sports world.  Players and fans alike can become quite sweaty on a hot day.  At least the fans though have the option of avoiding some of the sweat by allowing their legs to breathe free.  And if the fans simply watching a tournament can get relief by wearing shorts, shouldn’t the players who are working hard be given that same benefit?

Relief for your sweaty players isn’t the only gain from shorts.  It would also allow you to promote many cost saving initiatives, which would be popular amongst your older, cheaper fans.  Shorts use less material than long pants, which means both the manufacturer and the consumer save money.  Also, the decrease in sweatiness will allow players to be able to take shorter post-round showers, saving money on energy bills. 

And then of course there is the sex appeal factor.  Many other sports expand their fan bases by flaunting the impressive physiques of their players.  So why shouldn’t golf do the same?  All those calf and lower thigh muscles on display could tap into markets your sport is currently ignoring.  Sex sells; so let it work for you.

There are simply too many benefits of shorts for me to enumerate them all here.  But from the sampling I’ve provided, you can see why allowing your golfers to wear shorts will mean better business for you. And in a tough economy where money is scarce, a “leg” up like this, could push your sport to the front of the pack.

Sincerely,

Otto The Caddy

Social Media Critique

Between March 1^st and March 3^rd, the PGA Tour twitter account sent out nearly 150 tweets. If social media is supposed to be a conversation, than this one is pretty one-sided.  Many of the tweets they sent out were informative and useful to their fans.  However, finding the information you needed was like navigating the proverbial minefield ComTechSoldier describes. 

A few weeks ago, I was one of the more than 160,000 Twitter followers of the PGA Tour.  I needed the info they were providing so that I could mock it in my tweets and blog posts.  However, following them required so much effort that you really couldn’t follow anyone else.  How could I keep up when there were 25 consecutive updates from the 2^nd round of the Waste Management Phoenix Open to read through?

The sad thing is, their tweets were useful.  I personally wouldn’t want to follow a golf tournament, or any sporting event, via Twitter; the web is too advanced at this point to be tracking a live event merely with text.  However, if you were so inclined, the PGA Tour account gave a nice play-by-play as the rounds unfolded.  They also provided links to their site for videos and stories by their writers, which is an essential part of a social media campaign.

Where they got bogged down was in repeating themselves.  For instance, weather caused a delay in the final round of the Honda Classic Sunday, and appropriately, the PGA Tour account sent out this information.  However, they sent it out 6 times in a span of 30 minutes. Each update was different, and they included some retweets from players who posted pictures of the bad weather.  But like any good writer, they needed to edit themselves.

Keeping the PGA Tour’s mistakes in mind, I would move forward on my own social media campaign on Twitter with an eye toward editing.  I think there should be an upper limit on tweets that is dependent on how much content is produced on a given day.  For myself, I think tweeting a link to a piece on my blog should only happen twice a day.  The first tweet should be when the piece goes up.  And then later in the day I would tweet the link again for those who may have missed the earlier tweet.  

Any other tweeting I would do during the day should center around retweeting amusing tweets or commenting on specific stories of the day.  I don’t think Twitter should be a sounding board for my in-progress jokes or a place to hear myself talk.  There is a limited amount of time that people can spend on my work, and I don’t want to waste it by filling them up with junk.

At this juncture, Twitter seems like the best avenue for my social media needs.  I think it’s easier to build a fan base and connect with those fans on Twitter.  Facebook and Google + almost seem redundant when you’re using Twitter.  And YouTube would force me to focus on an entirely different medium.  One that I’m not sure I’m ready for.  Twitter allows me to build off the writing I’m doing on my blog, and will help me to be more focused and succinct.  Which is why I’ll keep using just Twitter for now.

- Otto

My Dinner With Tim

Here are the opening minutes of the upcoming feature film, My Dinner With Tim.  The film is a fictionalized account of what I would expect to occur if I ever sat down to have dinner with PGA Tour commissioner, Tim Finchem.  Enjoy!

- Otto
 

HARD CUT FROM BLACK

INT. FANCY RESTAURANT EARLY EVENING

OTTO glances down at his watch, seen from his perspective.  The time is 6:34.  OTTO glances back up just as TIM FINCHEM walks to the table.

                    TIM

Sorry, I’m a little late. 

                                   OTTO

(Exasperated)

A little late?  I’ve been waiting 2 hours!

               TIM

2 hours? Why would you be here at 4:30 in the afternoon for a dinner meeting?

Otto stares at Tim, seen from Otto’s perspective. He focuses on the age in Tim’s face.  He then looks around the room and notices all the other old faces seated around him.

                            OTTO

I thought YOU (emphasis) would like to eat a bit earlier.

Tim stares angrily at Otto.

     OTTO

(continuing a bit nervously)

Nevermind.  Thanks for meeting me, Tim.  I appreciate the time.

              

               TIM

          (annoyed)

Not a problem. 

Otto awkwardly stands up to shake Tim’s hand.  Tim glances down at Otto’s legs and sees that he’s wearing shorts.  Otto notices Tim’s glance.

               OTTO

Well that is why I’m here.

               TIM

This restaurant has a dress code though.  How did you get in dressed like that?

               OTTO

I put them on under the table. 

               TIM

          (annoyed)

Of course.

They both sit down and pick up their menus. They each stare at them for a long time, not knowing what to say to each other.

               OTTO

So, what’s good here?

               TIM

          (excitedly)

Oh, there’s a lot here I enjoy.  My wife likes the foie gras and quail terrine.  But I’m more partial to the venison.

               OTTO

          (confused)

Okay.  How about the (overemphasizing) FLOOR DE PIN GUS?

Tim stares at Otto disapprovingly

TIM

                              (disappointed)

That’s a wine. You’re looking at the wine list.

               OTTO

          (embarrassed)

Yes. Obviously.

Otto sinks back in his seat and slowly brings the menu up over his eyes.  The WAITRESS walks up to the table.

               WAITRESS

Can I get you gentleman anything to start with?

               TIM

I’ll have a scotch on the rocks.

               OTTO

          (hesitating)

I’ll have a (overemphasizing) FLOOR DE PIN GUS.

Tim looks at him disapprovingly once again.

               WAITRESS

Would you like a bottle or a glass, sir?

               OTTO

          (confidently)

I believe I’ll need both.

Both Tim and the Waitress are shocked and dumbfounded.  Otto notices their glares.

               WAITRESS

Okay.  I’ll get those for you then, sir.

               OTTO

          (sheepishly)

Thank you.

The Waitress stares at Otto and then at Tim. She then walks away shaking her head.  The two men go back to staring at their menus.

               OTTO

So, Tim, I asked you to meet me today because

               TIM

          (interrupts)

Otto, dinner comes first.  Then we can talk business. 

               OTTO

Okay.  I haven’t been to too many business dinners before.

               TIM

(glancing down at Otto’s bare calf)

I’m not surprised. (pauses) Will you excuse me?

               OTTO

Sure.  No problem

Tim pushes back his chair and leaves the table. Otto watches as he walks away. Otto then goes back to staring at his menu, when the Waitress returns with their drinks.  She’s carrying a small glass, which she places down in front of Tim’s chair.  And then she takes a bottle and a wine glass off of the tray and places those on the table in front of Otto.  She begins to walk away when Otto stops her.

               OTTO

Can I ask you a question?

               WAITRESS

Yes you may, sir.

               OTTO

What do you recommend?

               WAITRESS

Well the venison is quite nice. Personally though, I enjoy the foie gras and quail terrine.

               OTTO

          (disappointed)

Great.  Thanks.

He begins to pick up the wine bottle to try and fill up his glass.  He struggles with it and begins to spill some on the table.  The Waitress reaches over and grabs the bottle to help him.

               WAITRESS

Allow me, sir.

She begins to pour the wine into the glass as Otto watches her.  She finishes and puts the bottle back on the table. 

               OTTO

Thank you very much.

He reaches up awkwardly to shake her hand, but instead knocks the bottle of wine off the table.  It spills on to his leg which was sticking out from under the side of the table.  The Waitress hurries to help him clean things up.

               OTTO

Oh crap.  I’m so sorry.  This is terrible.

               WAITRESS

Not a problem at all, sir.

 

She notices that he’s wearing shorts and stares at him, confused.

               OTTO

     (awkwardly joking)

How do you get red wine out of bare leg?

WAITRESS

                                 (unamused)

Let me go get some more napkins, sir.

The Waitress quickly walks away from the table.  As she leaves, Tim comes back to the table.  Before sitting down he notices the spilled wine.

               TIM

          (distressed)

What happened here?

               OTTO

          (casually)

Oh, a murder.  I’m surprised you didn’t hear the gunshots.

               TIM

     (angry and confused)

Excuse me?

               OTTO

I’m kidding of course, Tim.  Hey, what took you so long? I was beginning to think this was one of those sitcom episodes where you had a second date on the other side of the restaurant.

               TIM

(even angrier than before)

What are you talking about?

               OTTO

Forget about it.  It was just a joke.  Sorry.

Tim finally sits down in his chair. As he scoots back up to the table he glances down and notices the wine dripping off Otto’s leg.  Otto sees where Tim is looking.

OTTO

Good thing I wasn’t wearing pants, huh?

If At First You Don't Succeed, Try A New Method

It’s easy to give up when you fail.  As the great philosopher Homer Simpson once said “you tried your best and failed miserably.  The lesson is: never try.”  But I don’t subscribe to Homer’s “give up” mantra.  I am committed to my cause to bring shorts to the PGA Tour.  As they say, Rome wasn’t petitioned by its citizens to allow people to wear something other than togas and then Rome decided to allow that in just one day. 

So the Honda Classic resisted my efforts.  They ignored my tweets and ignored my petition, despite its two signatures – one of which was mine.  But what did I expect?  I was taking on the establishment right in the heart of old people country, Florida.  And if there is one thing old people like, its formal attire.  Old people are the only Americans who still believe that it’s necessary to dress up for dinner on a Tuesday night.  But I’m not here to attack old people - easy though it may be since there is no way any of them could get online and refute any of the falsehoods I could propagate about them.  I’m here for the shorts.  And the only thing I can do is keep pushing. 

An online petition and a relentless Twitter campaign didn’t work though.  So perhaps it’s time to turn back the clock and resort to something that the old people who run the PGA Tour can better understand – a letter writing and phone call campaign. 

Today I plan on drafting a letter - which I will post here so that you may copy it – which I will send to the PGA Tour’s national headquarters and their New York office.  I’ve posted the addresses of their offices below so that you know where to send your letters.

And I also plan on calling PGA Tour headquarters in Florida on their general inquires phone line – (904) 285-3700 – to see if I can’t find someone within their walls to be my advocate for change.

I leave you with this e-mail I received from 8-year old Johnny of Del Mar, California:

Dear Mr. Otto,

Thank you for your campaign to allow shorts on the PGA Tour.  My dad suffered an accident 4 years ago while playing golf that could have been avoided had he been wearing shorts.  As he was getting ready to hit his approach shot on the 14^th hole, a bee flew up his pant leg and stung him in his private area.  Had he been wearing shorts that day, the bee likely wouldn’t have been trapped and would never have stung my dad.  And as a result, my mom wouldn’t have left him because of his horribly disfigured genitals.  Long pants broke up my family and I don’t want to see that happen to anyone else.  So thank you again for your efforts.

Johnny

Stay strong, little Johnny.  I’m not quitting just yet.

-          Otto

PGA Tour                              

100 PGA Tour Boulevard

Ponte Vedra Beach, FL 32082

PGA TOUR

126 East 56th Street
Suite 1600
New York, NY 10022

Scientific Proof on the Dangers of Pants

Many of you have dismissed the Shorts4all campaign as that of a lunatic interested only in stirring up trouble.  But that is hardly the goal of this movement.  The Shorts4all campaign is about safety and health.  To that end, we have commissioned a study by the International Federation on Clothing Safety and Health to see the impact shorts have on professional golfers.  The study itself will be published in the upcoming edition of the journal, Sweat Prevention.  Here is the abstract for this sensational article:

Our goal in this study was to look at the effects of wearing long pants on a hot day while competing in professional level sports.  Using a random sample of golfers on the Mongolian Professional Tour, our researchers tested the levels of sweat, dehydration, and stink on the players after competing in 95-degree temperatures for three consecutive days.  The results showed that players wearing long pants were sweatier and stunk considerably worse than their counterparts who were dressed in short pants (shorts).  Also, the players wearing the short pants were found to shoot an average of 10 shots better than those wearing long pants.  From these results we suggest that all players should be allowed to wear shorts while playing golf, especially on extremely hot days.  This will improve the play of the golfers, while also decreasing the amount of showering time needed later to erase the smells produced by wearing long pants.

I hope you’re convinced now.  Please sign the petition below so we can get this movement going.  Sweaty, stinky golfers all over the world need us.    

- Otto 

Change.org|Start an Online Petition »