“Where are all the hot people?” my girlfriend asked last
Sunday as we watched golf together.
I had no response. “Is
Tiger really as good as it gets?
Is there no David Beckham of golf?” Again, I had no comeback, because she’s right; golf is full
of ugly people in ugly clothes.
That’s not a recipe for success.
Hot people are the ones who have money, and hot people have no interest
in watching ugly people.
So here’s
how you get things moving in the right direction. First, let’s stop all the ads for erection pills and
retirement investing. We need ads
that sexy people want to see. Sexy
people flipping through channels on their sexy TVs aren’t going to stop when they
see a Charles Schwab commercial.
They are going to stop though when they see that David
Beckham Super Bowl commercial.
And once you get someone who insensately flips channels to stop doing
so, you’ve got their attention for at least the next 15-20 seconds.
So now that
you’ve roped in the sexy people, how do you keep them once the golf comes back
on? For that answer I turned
back to my sexy girlfriend. “Golf
is boring. It’s slow, they play
lame music on TV broadcasts, and everyone’s always quiet or just clapping
lightly. In other sports the
atmosphere is more alive.” She’s right.
Golf is a rest home sport.
So first,
let’s speed up the pace.
Basketball players aren’t allowed to stop the action so they can
properly set up for a jump shot.
Football players aren’t allowed to stop the action so they can throw a
better pass. Why do golfers get
seemingly unlimited time to prepare? Grab a club, step up to the ball, hit it,
and move on to the next shot. It’s
that simple. I don’t care if they
want more time; they shouldn’t get it.
A typical round of golf takes about 4 hours to complete. I’m not even
sure I’d want to have sex for four hours.
So why the hell would I want to spend 4 hours playing golf?
The
second part of this plan is to let fans be fans. Watch this video
of Tiger Woods hitting a hole-in-one at the infamous 16th hole at
the TPC Scottsdale course. Tiger’s
lame “raise the roof” celebration aside, isn’t this what golf should be like? Conversely, on that same hole in a
different year, Justin Leonard was so mercifully booed after a bad shot that he
flipped off the crowd in response.
Now that’s entertainment.
So I say let the fans cheer, boo, and heckle golfers just like they do
all other athletes. The noise and
excitement might mean they have to turn the channel in the rest homes over to
C-SPAN, but at least everyone else will be having a good time.
- Otto
Otto,
ReplyDeleteI particularly love the line, "Golf is a rest home sport." It is laced with enough controversy to make the die hards shiver with contempt.
On your last couple of posts, there is a font shift in the post. In this latest post, there were no paragraph demarcations on your home page. I'm unsure of what is happening, but you may want to address it so it does not distract the reader.
This post does seem to be a little long for an "elevator pitch." Could you get this all out in an elevator ride? Brevity is king of the "elevator pitch." This post sometimes reads more as a diatribe than a pitch.
In the sentence, "Justin Leonard was so mercifully booed after a bad shot that he flipped off the crowd in response," did you mean to say mercilessly instead of mercifully.
Thank you for making golf interesting.
Hi Otto,
ReplyDeleteThis is a very funny article. But much like my comments on your first pitch, I don't find this pitch actionable. What you've written is commentary on the sport of golf. I said this about your midterm proposal, but your voice reminds me of George Carlin. I can hear it in the cadences of some of your sentences when I read them aloud.
"Grab a club, step up to the ball, hit it, and move on to the next shot. It’s that simple. I don’t care if they want more time; they shouldn’t get it." Of course, Carlin would tag the line after the semi-colon with, "Fuck 'em!"
I hope you like George Carlin (as I do). Maybe some of these Pro's have great (sexy) legs, and your campaign for shorts could be presented as a pitch?
All The Best,
E.B.