Transcript of the speech:
Imagine turning on the TV on a Sunday afternoon to find the following scene. Tiger Woods is kneeling on the 17th green preparing to take a 15-foot par putt. Across the way from him, his playing partner, an amateur golfer named Joe Schmoe, has just hit an improbable 25-foot par putt that sent the crowd into a frenzy that is still raging on. Now Woods is faced with having to make this putt or Joe Schmoe’s impossible run to the title will be complete. As he steps up to the ball, is there any chance you turn the channel? Of course there isn’t. And that’s the idea behind the Bogey Free Tournament; the next great sporting event.
Golf has the ability to be a popular sport. Most sports fans do enjoy it, as seen
in this graph. However too many of
them are casual fans. So they
don’t know anyone besides Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson. And if those two aren’t involved, then
they don’t tune in.
That’s why golf needs an event that is Tiger-proof and
Lefty-proof. Golf needs an event
that will draw the attention of viewers even when the names you know aren’t
around. And that’s exactly what
the Bogey Free Tournament will do.
The format of the tournament is simple. 150 players enter with the goal to see
who will be the last person to hit a bogey. With the tournament being played on an easy course, most
players will be able to survive the test early on. However, as play progresses, the difficulty of the course
will steadily increase.
The pool of players will be made up of the top 100 pro
players in the world along side 50 amateurs. 25 of these amateurs will earn their way into the tournament
by competing in regional Bogey Free Tournaments around the world. The remaining 25 spots in the
tournament will be filled by those willing to pay their way in for a shot at
Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, and glory.
- Otto
Otto,
ReplyDeleteI love the Twilight Zone approach to your presentation, it's immediately identifiable and helps draw the viewer in. Interestingly, listening to the presentation is much different than reading it. If I were to just read the transcript, I wouldn't have the benefit of your Rod Serling delivery. Your idea is hilarious. Your choice of images support your presentation, adding another layer of humor. Another interesting point to recognize is that assignments like this one - and the current script assignment - truly force the writer to be concise. If we're going to read aloud our writing, and support it with imagery, we'd better have a simple, algorithmic approach. You've really tightened and focused your writing in this presentation. i'm looking forward to reading your script.
Otto,
ReplyDeleteI like your concept of the Bogey Free Tournament. The public likes to see "star athletes" reduced to mere mortals.
I missed the Twilight Zone connection that Bumpnoggin mentions. Identifying the "everyman" as "Joe Schmoe" was a nice Otto-ism, but I felt your presentation needed more of your trademark humor.
I wanted all of your images to fill the frame. This would have made your visuals stronger and added visual consistency.
Overall, you did a nice job with a tough assignment.
I appreciated your midterm Otto because it took the second step of the course before I said a thing. You did a great job in the first half, cleaning up your words, experimenting with each assignment, and making an often deadly subject funny.
ReplyDeleteIn the second half, I introduced applying your words. In an interactive world, it is easier to see how words affect. Writing is participation. Your shorts campaign is a fun experiment in practical application. Irreverent, yet constructive, it is a clever extension of your voice. You also didn’t fall back on this idea to fulfill the rest of your assignments as they were revealed. You moved forward with it and came up with additional ideas.
Your pitches are funny. I found some of the ideas in your beer GPS us-against-them app intriguing. Using a hive mentality to keep track of authorities could be used in a lot of ways. I know these are jokes, but still. The hot people pitch was more improvisational, riffing. If you cleaned it up, I think there is a good piece in there on lightening up the golf rules that goes well alongside your petition.
Comedy doesn’t have to be ridiculous. The best comedy is logical. The best comedians open their audiences’ minds with very practical points. Their arguments are more practical than the supposed norm. Tiger Woods, while not a comedian, shook the game up in a similar way. He played the game everyone else is playing, but the game will never be the same.
The practical nature of your shorts argument is what makes it worthwhile. You want to improve golf and widen its audience. The comedy is just good delivery.
Concentrating on the point of the assignment, let us say the beer app was real. Practical application of words and ideas gets serious when we talk about other people’s money and time and effort. Again, you can still be funny, but it’s like any writing – if you want to push any campaign or idea, you have to get to your point.
Continued...
Continued...
ReplyDeleteI cleaned up your first pitch, 163 words down from your 280:
People like to drink while playing golf. It fills the endless void between shots and you forget how much you hate the game.
Country clubs frown on this behavior. Whether it’s the litter, the dangers of driving a ball half-cocked, or the players relieving themselves behind the 15th green, drinking on the course is not permitted.
Now there is a phone app that lets you drink on the golf course without getting caught.
Beer Watch is modeled after the apps that help you avoid traffic. Instead of accidents and rubbernecking, fellow drivers and putters alert you to the presence of course officials and cameras. Real-time GPS technology pinpoints your relation to prying eyes. You can crack a cold one on the 8th and avoid ejection on the 18th.
Beer Watch helps you maintain your buzz on courses around the world.
By tapping into the drunk’s sense of camaraderie, Beer Watch can turn any boring game into a real-life beer commercial. (Supermodels not included.)
Again, I didn’t change much, I just removed from what you already accomplished.
I saw this funny guy on Conan the other night: http://teamcoco.com/video/kumail-nanjiani-heroin. He really has only three jokes that he keeps improvising on. But every line is necessary. His variations on a punchline all work. Nothing is poorly worded or superfluous.
Your executive summary is good, but even it could be tighter. Rewriting pitches and petitions and proposals has really helped you define your goal though.
Golf should be more popular.
And you can make it so, through your comedy and the message behind that comedy.
Your presentation speech is your best piece so far, I’m assuming because you had to read it. Reading your work out loud streamlines it. You stumble over extra words and remove them.
Your delivery is great. You know how to use your voice. The images are funny, relevant, well chosen. You even fade down the sound of the crowd to change tone and bring it back up as you bring your argument back around at the end.
Really nice work Otto. Keep that razor sharp for everything you write. Read everything you write out loud, if you must. You are already doing stand-up anyway.