Golf should be more popular than it is. Unfortunately though, golf doesn’t have
the necessary number of star players to succeed. So when those few big name players don’t live up to their
stature, golf’s TV ratings dwindle.
But what if there could be a tournament that didn’t need the marquee
players to perform to the best of their abilities to hold the public’s
interest? That’s the idea behind
the Bogey Free Tournament. The
format features the top 100 pro players in the world taking on 50 amateur
players – 25 of whom would earn a spot in the field, with the other 25 paying
their way in - with the single goal to be the last player to hit a bogey. Now every shot becomes dramatic. If you can’t live up to the pressure
than every putt, every chip, and every tee shot could be your last. Who will win when all you need is a par
or better to continue? Tiger Woods
or Joe Schmoe? All that’s needed
is the right course and the right sponsor to make the Bogey Free Tournament the
next great sporting event.
- Otto
Otto,
ReplyDeletei think this is a nice concise executive summary.
It does need some "air" let in. Consider dividing this large paragraph into at least 3 smaller paragraphs. It will make this an easier read.
Again, there are some extraneous words that don't enhance the meaning. You write, "But what if there could be a tournament that didn’t need the marquee players to perform to the best of their abilities to hold the public’s interest?" This could be, "But what if there could be a tournament that didn’t rely on marquee players?" This builds better on your first few sentences without the extra baggage.
Hi Otto,
ReplyDeleteThe summary is good, but lacks your trademark humor. I know you're trying to simply get the idea across, but I would like for you to have introduced Joe Schmoe earlier, as you did in your presentation. It's this juxtaposition with Tiger Woods that's the hook of your pitch. Also, I could't agree more with Comtech. You've got a lot of extraneous wording in there. For instance, why not start with "Golf should be a more popular sport," in place of what you have? It's a bolder statement than letting the thought trail off with, "it is." (And it's funny because Golf ranks among the most popular sports in the world, ahead of basketball). There are a few instances like this that could improve the flow of your summary. Also, you should have "then" instead of "...live up to the pressure [than] every putt..."
All The Best,
E.B.