So You Want To Learn How To Cheat?

Golf is hard.  And getting better at it isn’t easy.  You could read any number of self-help books or watch one of the thousands of instructional videos and not improve by one stroke.  You could even practice, although Allen Iverson won’t think much of you if you do. 

What if I told you there was a way to get better without actually being better?  The answer is simple: cheating.  Cheating takes all the stress out of hitting good shots; because now you don’t have to.  And if you follow my patented system – patent pending – I guarantee you’ll be as happy as this man (he didn’t cheat, but he’s better than you).   

1.     Buy the Beer

The key to successful cheating is making sure those whom you’re swindling are too drunk to be aware of your skullduggery.  There are two important points to remember for this rule.  First, if you typically don’t buy the beer for a round of golf, then make sure you have an excuse as to why you are buying it this particular time.  Here are some good excuses to get you started: you just got a promotion, you just got a new job, you won the lottery, or your wife finally had sex with you. 

The second point to remember is, if you’re typically a lush, then bring a non-alcoholic beverage and hide it in a koozie.  This will allow you to appear as if you’re getting trashed just like the fellow members of your group.

2.     Bring a lot of extra balls

Since you’ll be manipulating the lie of your ball, it’s important that you have extra balls on hand.  You won’t be able to pick up your ball and move it, so you’ll need a new ball to replace the one you actually hit.   

3.     Have an accomplice

Cheating is a two-man (or woman) game.  You can cheat by yourself (just ask Tiger Woods).  But you’ll improve your odds if you have a co-conspirator.  A caddy is the best person for this job, but a trusted member of your foursome will do in a pinch. 

Remember: if you use a caddy as your accomplice, be sure to tip well.  If you don’t, there is a distinct likelihood that your caddy will betray you at some point.  Caddies are vindictive, so make sure you never cross them.

4.     Don’t cheat on every hole

If you go from shooting a 6 or 7 on most holes to shooting a 3 or 4, then people will take notice.  A pattern of dramatic improvement is highly suspicious.  A random 3 or 4 will surprise your playing partners, but won’t warrant investigation.  In fact, I would suggest you tank a few holes just to be safe.  That will make the 3’s and 4’s seem even more like luck.

5.     Have a hidden ball compartment in your pants

You can’t just place a new ball on the fairway after an errant tee shot; otherwise you’ll get caught.  That’s why it’s essential to have a hidden ball compartment in your pants.  This compartment should allow you to drop one ball at a time out of your pant leg and on to the course with just a simple pull of a string or lever.  There’s no need to worry if you can’t figure out how to create this contraption on your own.  At this moment I’m working on the hidden ball sack khakis (I think it needs a better name).  They’ll be available at your nearest Kohl’s this summer, so keep an eye out.

6.     Don’t move the ball dramatically

Subtlety is important in cheating.  Everyone will know if you try and move the ball from the woods directly to the green. If you hit the ball in the rough, move it just onto the fairway.  If you hit it in the sand trap, move it to a location that isn’t as deep or as hard to get out of.  If you hit it in the parking lot, hope that it didn’t break anyone’s window.  And if anyone asks why your ball seems to have a better lie than expected, then tell them it hit a rock, the cart path, or a squirrel.  Always have an excuse.

7.     Don’t always be the person who improves your ball’s lie

This is the first reason why you need a cohort.  If you’re always the one doing the actual cheating, you’ll get caught.  So rotate with your partner. 

8.     Distraction!

People can’t notice your cheating if they’re noticing something else.  This is the second reason you need a collaborator.  While one of you is planting a new ball on the fairway, the other person should be distracting everyone else.  There are plenty of ways to distract a group of drunk golfers and here are just a few:  Pointing out attractive members of the opposite sex, offering another beer, farting, accusing someone else of cheating, accusing someone else of farting, or providing insider trading information (helping someone else cheat is a great way to get them to overlook your cheating).  

9.     Don’t play for big money

If you are playing for money on the course, make sure it isn’t an enormous sum, unless you’re playing Michael Jordan.  You won’t get rich, but you also won’t get killed. 

10.  Don’t Get Caught

This is the most important rule of cheating.  Getting caught is what prevents most from cheating.  And the consequences of cheating are usually dire.

I cannot condone cheating.  Cheating is a horrible act of disrespect to your fellow golfers and the game of golf itself.  However, you obviously have no class if you’re reading this blog.  So what do you have to lose?

- Otto